Saturday, February 24, 2018

Great Moments in Rock Obnoxiousness: Those Cursin' Gallaghers

Which musical family has been your favourite? Was it the Jacksons, who gave us not only the Jackson Five, LaToya Jackson, Janet Jackson, and the politician Jesse Jackson, or the Staples, without whom we'd have had neither The Staples Singers nor the chain of popular office supplies superstores? Was it the Wilsons, three of whom were in The Beach Boys, and the eldest of whom, Harold, was the prime minister of the United Kingdom, or the toothy, terrific Osmonds, or the even toothier Gibbs, or the Youngs, one of whom starred in The Easybeats, others in AC/DC? 

For my own money, the most notable family in recent entertainment history has been the remarkable Gallaghers, from Manchester, England. Interestingly, the eldest of the four brothers, Leo, who would become known professionally only by the family’s surname, wasn’t a musician at all, but a comedian celebrated for smashing melons with mallets, and, later, telling racist and homophobic jokes well past the time when his contemporaries had abandoned them. 

The second oldest brother, Rory, is thought to have owned the first Fender Stratocaster ever seen in the Republic of Ireland. He attained notable proficiency on the instrument, to the point at which in 2010, he was ranked No. 42 on Gibson.com's Top 50 Guitarists of All Time in spite of the fact that he was never known to play a Les Paul McCartney. He didn’t fare quite as well on Rolling Stone's ludicrous 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time, coming in at No. 57, 53 spots behind Keith Richards and 40 behind Neil Young, neither of whom was fit to polish his tuning pegs. Interestingly, the player ranked No. 1, Jimi Hendrix, is thought, when asked how it felt to be the world’s greatest guitarist,.to have said, “I don’t know, man. Why don’t you ask Rory Gallagher?”  I always thought Rory should have hired a singer, rather than doing it himself, but have no reason to believe that he was ever advised of my feelings. 

Younger fans are no doubt much more aware of the two younger Gallagher brothers, whose group Oasis had hit after hit after hit after hit after hit between their emergence in 1993 with songs whose melodies had been pilfered intact from Coca-Cola jingles and their dissolution in 2009. Where, years before, Bryan Ferry had mastered the art of pitched sighing, younger, stupider, even more loutish brother Liam’s stock in trade was pitched sneering. 

During their long reign of terror, the pair established themselves as the most obnoxious siblings in the history of popular entertainment. Early on, they realised that what sells newspapers to a certain kind of imbecile in the UK is outrage. Just before every new record or tour, the two of them would shoot their mouths off like gangbusters. I thought they peaked circa 1995 when, at some UK awards show, they pretended to bugger each other with the statuettes they’d won. 

Occasionally, as when the slightly wittier of them, Noel, observed, “Why is Posh Beckham writing a fucking book of her memoirs when she can’t even chew chewing gum and walk in a fucking straight line at the same time?” they amused me. University of Leeds linguists have demonstrated that neither of the Oasis brothers is able to utter (or, more recently, tweet) a sentence not containing fucking

After their breakup, it turned out they’d actually been storing up their most bilious bile for each other. Said Noel of Liam, “He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet, a man with a fork in a world of soup.” Observed Liam, the more scabrous of the two, of Noel, “He’s in one of his really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really big houses. Probably eatin’ tofu while having a fucking face peel. isn’t that right, man of the people?” One (that is, I, or you) was marginally amused, but for the most part felt as he had come to feel about John Lydon: OK, we get it, big boy — you’re superhumanly obnoxious. Do you know a second trick?

Charmingly, the brothers’ kids are now disparaging other on Twitter, where Liam’s son Gene (after Simmons, I think, but not really) recently advised his cousin Anaïs, Noel’s daughter, “You look like your dad with a blonde wig on”, though experts question the authenticity of the tweet, as no known Gallagher, except maybe the late Rory, wouldn’t have put fucking before blonde wig

To their credit, neither Gallagher is not known to have tried to stab the other with a fork for helping himself to chips (to Americans: french fries) on the other’s plate, as Dave and Ray Davies did.





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